A good working relationship

With office romances rife in the legal profession, Asha Vaghela offers some advice on how to make your relationship go the distance

With long working hours and stressful jobs, many lawyers turn to colleagues or people in the same profession for a sympathetic ear. And so when it comes to affairs of the heart, it is not surprising that the profession has a little more in-breeding than most.

But with the number of lawyers dating or married to other lawyers reaching almost endemic levels at some firms, what is the right way to handle an office romance? And how do you make it work in practice?

Given that swathes of lawyers were hesitant to discuss dating in the office - or even the simple matter of work policy on the issue - it seems many lawyers still feel a need to be discreet about the subject. Although marriage to colleagues is just about acceptable, dating appears to be in a separate category, and lawyers are far more reticent to talk.

Many cite the long hours and late nights as kick-starting many an office fling. After all, working alongside an attractive colleague can certainly help ease the pressure.

Oliver Riley, a partner in LG's business and finance group who is engaged to his colleague, says: "I would say I know three or four people who are married to, or in a relationship with, another lawyer.

"It is not just a shared experience of being a lawyer, people in law firms tend to spend a lot of hours working together on transactions, so it is not frowned upon."

Parallel mindsets and educational backgrounds, an understanding the pressures of the job, and mixing in the same social circles outside of work were also cited by lawyers in similar situations as main contributory factors to getting together with work mates.

Beverley Flynn, a commercial partner at Stevens & Bolton, has been married to a partner at a different law firm for 15 years, after meeting at law school.

Getting together with someone you meet through law school is very common, she says. "Otherwise people tend to meet their other half while they are a trainee at a law firm."

She adds: "Lawyers spend time working on cases together, and if a firm has a gym or canteen they spend more and more time together."

Although Flynn has never worked at the same firm as her husband, having a mutual understanding of the demands placed on a lawyer makes a big difference, she believes.

Dominique Graham, director at recruitment firm Graham Gill, comments: "Many lawyers work excessively long hours, often under intense pressure. As a result, they tend to play hard as well, and social functions, whether in-house or with clients, can lead to drunken gropings and more."

She cites a survey conducted by her company a few years ago on male lawyers in their late 30s: "About 98% admitted they either had, or were about to have, a sexual encounter with a female colleague. The reason given was that they somehow had to let off steam, or find an outlet, as many were working under intense pressure, often through nights, and spending hours closeted with an assistant or trainee made that kind of thing bound to happen."

Whether you are flirting, enjoying a fling, or embarking on a long-term relationship, doing so within the same firm or department brings its fair share of advantages and disadvantages.

How you deal with it can directly affect your relationship as well as your work, your relationship with colleagues and your reputation.

Relationship advisers agree it is important to think about the parameters of the relationship.

Kate Taylor, a relationship specialist at match.com, says: "It is worth taking a step back. Evaluate the relationship and what you want, as well as your reason for embarking on it in the first place. Make sure it is not forced, which can happen if two people work together over periods of time."

The common agreement is that you should be honest with each other about the expectations of the relationship particularly as you have to keep working together if it all goes wrong.

Taylor explains: "[Lawyers] are highly-educated, emotionally intelligent people and any hurdles should be discussed early on, and only about two to three months into the relationship should they tell colleagues. Patience is also necessary because an unnatural progression can mean it could end quickly, and lead to awkward tension in the office. It is important to establish the relationship without expectations and pressure from colleagues."

In an office environment, rumours and speculation about two people dating can spread like wildfire as people look to spice up their day.

"Colleagues like to talk because for them this is another way to let off steam, so to avoid idle gossip, it would be best to expose the relationship. Being open means everyone will become bored quicker and look for something else to talk about," Taylor adds.

And while there are still some partners who oppose the idea of colleagues dating, the general consensus is that it is not frowned upon as long as you separate your love life and work life and it does not interfere with your performance.

However, as one partner at a top US firm in London explains: "A big no-no would be any abuse of power in a senior/junior relationship. The more senior lawyer would have to be very sure that they do not get involved in areas such as work allocation, appraisals/bonuses and partnership promotion."

But if no-one in the office tickles your fancy, www.lawandmore.com has just launched 'Lawandmore dating', matching up single lawyers and organising all-expenses-paid evening dates including wine tasting, a slap-up meal for two and a dancing lesson. And US-based www.lawyersinlove.com is worth a look - even if only for amusement value.

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A view from the professionals

Cecilia d'Felice (pictured left), relationship adviser at datingdirect.com

"There is evidence that during an economic downturn, relationships tend to be more important and people turn to their loved ones or look for something more long term and nurturing.

"There are advantages and disadvantages [to dating a colleague], as with any industry, but the legal profession is extremely competitive and driven. I would say the best relationship is where people have the same vision and goals. The disadvantage of this is they may end up competing with each other and one person may become more of a leader. The healthiest relationships are ones in which both partners take turns being the leader, which strikes a good balance.

"The main point would be there has to be chemistry, followed by shared goals and vision. The more honest both people are with each other, the better they can absorb and adjust."

Kate Taylor, relationship adviser at match.com

"If you are a rational and calm person, a relationship with someone in the same office can work out fine. However, if you get jealous or passionate easily, be cautious as this can be detrimental to the health of your work as well as your relationship.

"The first step is to know why you are looking to date someone in the office. Is it because you are stressed and need to let off steam or are you attracted to the person because you see a future together, something beyond the physical?

"It is important to make sure it is worth the move. Law firms are still a man's world in many ways, so it may be worth going down the traditional route and letting the man make the first move.

"It would be best not to date more than two people in the office or you may be taken less seriously and risk destroying your reputation."