Career Clinic: My outspoken style is affecting my career

Maybe.

It might be that the comments you make are extraordinarily perceptive and those around you can't deal on the same level.

Alternatively, it might be that others are on the same page as you (possibly even a page ahead?) but have the tact not to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Solipsism can occasionally be a negative thing.

Anon -03 Dec 2009 | 11:19

Being outspoken isn't very English

I'm fairly outspoken. It's not a (Southern) English thing. Tone it down a bit, especially in job interviews. Try to be tactful. It can be difficult, but if you really want to get on, you have to not get people's backs up. Alternatively, move to Lancashire or Yorkshire or Australia - your direct manner might fit in better there.

Helen -03 Dec 2009 | 11:23

You'll have to learn to be a hypocrite like the rest of us. I used to despise such people in the fierce glow of youth.
But now I've signed up with the rest of them.

It's less painful than you think.

Old Geezer -03 Dec 2009 | 13:00

Weapon?

Is the weapon a rapier or a cudgel? Each one has a place, but each must also be used appropriately.

Anon -03 Dec 2009 | 13:21

which weapon?

Is the problem your brain or is it your mouth? Just because something is true, or you believe it to be true, that doesn't mean you have to go ramming it down people's throats. Some things are better left unsaid.

northerner -03 Dec 2009 | 15:51

Listen to Criticism

I could have written this a few years ago. My guess is that you are a little lacking in social confidence and rely on your intellectual ability for your self-esteem. You use your outspokenness as a weapon to cover this up, as is evidenced by the fact you used to be a quiet person. The usual solution for lack of confidence - assertiveness training - just makes the problem worse. In my case, I was offered career coaching by my firm and it made a massive difference to both my relationship with colleagues and general happiness. If you are otherwise successful in your career, see if HR will support you in this, or otherwise do it privately. And make sure it is someone used to dealing with lawyers and the level of paranoia/perfectionism required to do a decent job. Good luck.

Associate -03 Dec 2009 | 16:23

don't bite the hand that feeds you

If you're as clever as you think you are then you'll realise it's stupid to bite the hand that feeds you (or potentially feeds you in the case of job interviews). Doesn't mean you have to morph into someone else, just adjust your behaviours. By the way, people in the North aren't more direct, they just talk more sense.

Mature reflector -04 Dec 2009 | 09:21

Life Coaching

You are obviously very troubled by this.
Offices are strange places; they bring together people, supposedly for a common purpose. However it is not always easy for us to navigate the different relationships we have to cultivate to be successful in an office environment.
Solicitors are a case in point. You have to have brains to qualify as a solicitor. And you have to use them when you practise. However, those qualities do not prepare you well for relationship building with your peers.
I have worked outside the law as well as in it and I have seen far greater camaraderie in offices outside the law. However, in the regional firms I have worked in the people are intelligent and can therefore be interesting to work with.

Is it just with colleagues and superiors that you experience criticism or have you also had it from clients/ introducers ?

If you are concerned enough about this to feel it is holding you back, why not engage an executive coach with experience in professional settings ? HR may not be prepared to pay (why should they?) but isn't some investment by you worth it?
The coach may teach you some lessons that will help in your life generally as well. That may make you a happier person all round.
Solicitors/lawyers do not have a reputation for being social butterflies (why else do you think RollonFriday have a section called Glamorous Solicitor ?) But there is help out there if you want to get it.
On the subject of directness, my clients call a spade a spade and expect me to do so too. The West Midlands is great for directness and cheery down to earth communication.
I wish you every success. Believe it or not the law does need people with agile minds.

high street solicitor -04 Dec 2009 | 13:58

I wouldn’t beat yourself up, most people like you never have the reflective self-analysis required to even realise their behaviour needs to change. You should be proud of yourself for realising you’ve got an issue. There are a couple of things you can now do, in my humble opinion. Firstly, start to exercise a little more common sense – speak to people they way they want to be spoken to. This is a very simple principle that I promise will have profound effects on the way you’re perceived. Trust me. The second thing that I suggest would be to read on the subject, I’d suggest Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People which is a remarkable book.

Phil Collins (that's right) -04 Dec 2009 | 14:39

If people really are "afraid" of you - as in scared, frightened, etc - then you do need to learn to watch your tongue. Do you have a friend at work with whom you can have a heart-to-heart to establish exactly the impression you do give? As other posters have said, this isn't about your personality, it is about your behaviour and those are completely different things.

Anonymous -08 Dec 2009 | 09:57

impetuosity of youth?

Interesting read.

When I look back on my career (now 18 years PQE) and the way I used to handle certain situations, whether they be negotiations or internal team-related matters, I wince. I was effective but bolshy, using verbal skills and the aggression that comes with youth and inexperience to get my point across forcefully.

Moved to my current employer almost 10 years ago and the career progression continued very well, but this time with the added advantage of a boss who wasn't afraid to give positive criticism. He pointed out that in fact there was a more constructive way of achieving targets (deal wise or personal) than by getting in peoples faces and that "playing the game" a little is a much more effective way of achieving what you need to.

I do have a naturally abrasive personality (the classic grumpy old man) but I now spend a lot of time thinking before responding, considering how what I say and how I say it will be received by my counterparts and working with people to get what my company, my team and I need. This often involves biting ones tongue but the results are palpable.

red robbo -09 Dec 2009 | 09:41

Thanks very much for all your replies. High Street Solicitor, the problem is only with superiors, no-one else at all. As an example, for an annual assessment at my law firm we were required to complete a pre-assessment questionnaire. One of the questions was “What aspect of the job do you least enjoy?”. It seemed a rather pointless question but I wrote the only honest answer which was “Occasions when very long hours are necessary.” At the assessment one of the partners asked me if I didn’t think that that was a rather flippant response. I said “No, what would you have written?” His response was “I would have put something about how I hated filling out tedious questionnaires such as this one.” Of course I pointed out that that would have been flippant in the extreme, but that didn’t do much for our relationship thereafter – I had made him look stupid (the head of the department was also at the assessment). The only alternative would have been to agree with him about what a good response his answer would have been. Even saying nothing would have been an implicit agreement with him. I couldn’t do either of those things – it would seem too self-debasing. Maybe if I become a hypocrite as Old Geezer suggests I will find that sort of thing easier, but it does sound painful to me.

By the way, red robbo, I’m certainly not abrasive, people have said that I’m very mild-mannered in fact.

Outspoken -13 Dec 2009 | 19:18

Oh, in support of the statement that I made in the last paragraph of that recent post, I've just remembered that one job rejection I received was made on the sole grounds that I was "too pleasant"! So don't get the impression that I'm really abrasive and pushy.

Outspoken -15 Dec 2009 | 10:38

Outspoken, I imagine you've just summarised the feedback session you had with the two partners, so I assume that you didn't speak to them in quite the very defensive way your summary suggests. In the particular situation you describe, there really were a number of ways you could've responded, and I'm not convinced the one you chose was the best option, at least in terms of wanting to get on well with the partner concerned and make him see your point of view.

I would suggest that more appropriate would've been to explain why you put down what you did on the form, and why you didn't intend for it to sound flippant at all. Perhaps you did explain that, but I can't tell from your post. Either way, responding with the question you did, in front of another senior lawyer, and then effectively saying "you're the flippant one!" is really only likely to annoy the partner concerned, and thus make working together more difficult for the both of you.

Anon -17 Dec 2009 | 12:07

Nightmare

Not the situation - you. I'll be honest, but you really do sound like you need to realise that if you are going to succeed in larger organisations you will need to toe the line, and in smaller ones you may need to be careful not to annoy the main people - ergo, you need to learn to button it a bit.

Of course, most clients actually love straight-speaking intelligent people... so perhaps you are destined to start your own firm with those clients that love you.

Anon -17 Dec 2009 | 15:48

Hmm

OK, perhaps I could have been more diplomatic and written "Like everyone I find the long hours often required to do the job demanding, but I appreciate the need for them." But I assumed that the partners would have some sympathy for my feelings as to the pointlessness of the question and that there was not much point in spending time over it.

Anyway, perhaps starting my own firm would be the best idea. I so often find myself in complete disagreement with superiors that perhaps I'm not cut out to be an employee. You can resolve to toe the line, but if your feelings are as strong as mine have been, you're going to end up feeling like you're only going through the motions in your work, which is miserable. At least I do get on well with clients.

Outspoken -19 Dec 2009 | 19:09

Slight confusion

Mate, defending your views and attacking others are two different things. It sounds like you are geared towards discrediting others when they challenge you. It's not a zero sum game where putting someone down brings you up. Discrediting someone does not make your view any more valid.

The way to deal with that is to explain your views, not to attack the other person. In the feedback session you describe, you were asked to expand and defend your view. This is what you should have done. Instead, you chose to attack the partner in front of someone else. You succeeded in making him look bad but did not defend your view. That made you both look bad.

Anon -09 Feb 2010 | 21:33