Career Clinic: Dealing with a difficult colleague

I think you're just going to have to accept that throughout your career there'll be a lot of people who won't make your life easy. I say put up or shut up - I can't imagine anyone will want to hear any moaning about this sort of thing.

Anonymous -26 Nov 2009 | 13:14

As tough as the first poster's comments, there is a degree of truth in his/her comments. It's part and parcel of life.

However, I would stress that you should remain professional at all times. Do not lower yourself to 'bickering' in public. If your legal contribution and comments have weight they will speak for themselves.

The only time where you may want to review the position is if it becomes a bullying situation, but even then step carefully as HR can be less than supportive, and you can then be labelled as a trouble-maker.

Anonymous -26 Nov 2009 | 14:26

Sympathy

You have my sympathy. I'm going through a similar situation at work and the annoying thing is that this person is my junior. I also value the advice of the other posters and agree with you. I don't think there is any point in confronting this person as s/he probably knows what s/he is doing and is unlikely to change. I think you could defend yourself firmly if s/he contradicts or attempts to undermine you on a particular issue at the time. If she happens to stun you into silence with her rudeness, you'll just have to let it go (no point in complaining to your boss, I think, or trying to go back to her.). For myself, I've decided not to interact with this girl socially if I can avoid it. I'll be professionally helpful at work but no cups of tea or speaking to her at office 'dos' or anything of the sort. I just can't be bothered to pretend.

Associate -26 Nov 2009 | 14:41

Clear the air

Personally, I'd take him/her on, in a firm, polite and professional manner. I don't like skirting around issues and I don't tiptoe around people either. Get matters out into the open, there may be a reason you are being treated this way which amounts to a mere misunderstanding on your colleague's side. Clear the air, without stooping to your colleague's level.

Lawyer-Linguist -26 Nov 2009 | 16:37

The problem is serious

From reading your question it appears that the problem is serious; you are regularly being undermined. Regardless of any possible misunderstanding or misinterpretation in the past, her behaviour seems to be obsessive.

Whether or not this is an issue of promotion or other motives - irrelevant. The fact is that your life is being made miserable by a colleague and ultimately this may affect your health.

I would try and discuss the issue with this person and put your cards on the table, so to speak. If you feel that (regardless of her actual response) her behaviour does not improve, then it is indeed time to involve your manager. You may be assuming, wrongly, that the manager doesn't want to get involved - we are talking about a happy team and that is the manager's responsibility.

Trainer -26 Nov 2009 | 17:47

Of happy teams and confrontation

To Trainer: happy teams? Have you visited a law firm recently?
To poster: as always, most comments are useful, although contradictory... truth of the matter is that you can't really force your nature, so if you don't feel like a confrontation, don't try it. The only constructive way out of the situation is to act in accordance with who you are. I think the earlier comments were spot on: let her bicker and rant, and as long as you act professional and she doesn't have any serious ground to contradict you in public, she will eventually be seen as the troublemaker. The only additional piece of advice I have is to ask around discreetly among your peers if other people have had similar problems with her or if she has that sort of reputation. You might find sympathy, if not support, there. Good luck.

Frenchie -26 Nov 2009 | 19:02

HR is a totally useless waste of money at law firms. They just do the partners' dirty work.

Tell your colleague that you will not tolerate this behaviour. If it continues, ask the partner you trust the most for advice on next steps.

anon -26 Nov 2009 | 21:19

Diarise it all

Having been through a similar situation earlier in the year I would suggest that you make sure you diarise every incident, however minor. As other posters have said, this person is unlikely to change their ways and in my experience things will only get worse. These incidents may seem minor in isolation, but a diary that lists all issues is a very powerful tool. In my case it took six months before HR did anything despite repeated requests for assistance - in the end I had the weight of evidence and justice was swift.

Anonymous -26 Nov 2009 | 22:16

Be nice and remember,

Someone once said "Well DONE is better than well said". ACT nice if you have to. And ALWAYS substantiate your position/opinion with FACTS, i.e. RESPOND, don't react. Believe me, the rest of the people who witness this behaviour DO SEE what this person is doing. Hang in there and stop placing this individual's behaviour in the centre of your universe; in the larger scheme of things this person means nothing (and judging from the behaviour, is worth nothing, and probably knows this).

Anon -27 Nov 2009 | 10:06

To Frenchie

You misunderstood my comment. The ideal situation is a happy team and we should all strive towards this goal. However, in your case I think a little more work is perhaps required.

Also, the OP's nature may not be confrontational but an assertive attitude is always good to have, in life and as a lawyer, specifically.

Trainer -27 Nov 2009 | 10:11

Awkward Colleague

Mate - we all know the sort. The one thing you mustn't do is take it up with her. She will regard that as victory, because make no mistake, she has declared war on you because she sees you as a block to her own ambitions. She also knows that you can't lamp her one in the pub on Friday, as you could with one of your male colleagues. What is your partner like? If he's under 40, there is a chance he might sympathise - especially if he's married to someone who repeatedly contradicts and undermines him. Over 40, he's more likely to be a bit pathetic with the younger women. Don't confide in female partners; their first reaction will be to take it up with the girl - for all the right reasons - but that won't work. Try and manufacture a situation where she behaves like this in full view of partners/clients. And act nice as pie, as the other posters suggest.

Litigation Queen -27 Nov 2009 | 10:39

fishy situation

Lots of well meaning but not very practical comments as ever. Let’s face it, annoying little goons like this are almost a big a cause of solicitor burnout as the social retards who make up the majority of the partnerial classes. Buy yourself a fish (I recommend mackerel, but anything small and potent will do). Let it go off. Put it in a Tupperware container of sufficient quality to conceal the smell. Bring it into the office. Work late. Secrete it in the little cow’s office in a location where it will be (a) hard to find; and (b) have a delayed effect. I recommend the removable cable lid things that your phone line goes into. Or the back of a filing cabinet. Then act nice as pie to her as others have suggested, whilst enjoying the schadenfreude as her office gets worse and worse (even after maintenance find the fish, the stink will linger). It will make you feel better. Do it. But check for CCTV first, obviously.

Oh, and you get the brownie points for working late too, whilst strangely she seems less and less keen to stay in her office.

Stupot -27 Nov 2009 | 13:05

Stupot

I fully endorse the fish idea, I did something similar on my last few days in school (before I left at the age of sixteen for a tech) and it worked a treat. Stank the place out and nobody could ever work out what the problem was.

I launched it as far down the roof cavity as I could, it wasn't found until maggots were crawling out of the ceiling.

As for difficult people, they're everywhere as personalities just clash. I know I hate most of my 'colleagues' but the good ones make up for it.

IHateBPP -28 Nov 2009 | 00:49

Fear not!

Being a lawyer, you surely must believe in the power of law. Why don't you warn your colleague that you will seek an antisocial behaviour order against her under Section 1 of the Crime and Disorder Act 1998? Tell her to consult her solicitor. Surely such a notion would outrage her, but then - provided she has good critical thinking skills - I'm sure she wouldn't make a peep from then on.

The question to ask yourself is: does her behaviour distress you? It seems, from your post, that it clearly does. The second and final question is: is her behaviour likely to continue? Again, she seems absolutely determined to make your life miserable, so clearly you can 'tick' the second box too. That's it, girl: you can go to the police and the police would make an application to a magistrates' court for an Anti-Social Behaviour Order.
Why should you suffer when someone puts you in distress? I'd never put up with this!

Also, if you fear that one of your bosses will take a negative view of you once you warn your colleague about your intention to get an ASBO against her, then tell your boss that if he attempts to fire you, then the firm would experience such a sh*tstorm of consequences (lawsuits, negative publicity, etc), that his empty little head would be spinning faster than the wheels of his BMW (provided he drives BMW)...haha. Of course, the last point is a joke.

Diana -28 Nov 2009 | 12:39

If there is a danger

To your future promotion and social life at the firm, I would advise you to talk to the senior manager about this issue.

You know, there is a problem, and you do not want to discuss this with her. You need a neutral in this case: mediation or faciliation can help.

Sergey -30 Nov 2009 | 11:22

Ignore office politics at your peril.

Jo Goldwater -30 Nov 2009 | 12:54

Get Off the Back Foot

Think, plan, prepare, be the best you can and always appear competent, calm and in control. When you feel more secure and on top of things, offer the olive branch, be nice, buy her a cup of coffee. It will be harder for her to be nasty.

Jane Gill -30 Nov 2009 | 16:56

Avoid HR

DO NOT go to HR. They cause more problems than resolve them. You will be labelled as the troublemaker and it will reflect badly on you.

Joanne Hurst -01 Dec 2009 | 13:12

Jane Gill, your approach is seriously weak-willed. Why should he be the one to offer the olive branch? It wouldn't look like he's being the bigger man; instead it would seem pathetic, a sign of defeat. She can laughingly turn down his offer for coffee and exult that her strategy is clearly wearing him down.

OP - you said she goes out of her way to be unhelpful. If she's truly making it more difficult to get your work done, start dropping her name when your bosses ask why this or that hasn't been done yet. "I'm still waiting for Sarah (or whatever her name may be" to send the document," or "I've asked Sarah for her opinion as she knows about this stuff, but she still hasn't replied". Sooner or later they'll get the picture.

Anon -01 Dec 2009 | 13:24

As a Christian I would curse her which would allow God direct access for him to intervene if she didn't change and you would probably find things changing for the better...

Terry -01 Dec 2009 | 16:36

Digging her own grave

Let her dig her own grave. People will notice, if they haven't already. She's probably got her own issues, perhaps she is a rubbish lawyer? There are too many of these troublemakers but in time, it will sort itself out.

May -03 Dec 2009 | 10:28

Don't duffer

Do not go to HR, although keeping a diary is a good idea in case she does. But if she is rude to you in front of others, glance at them to see if they have noticed - do you get a sympathetic look? Do they agree with her or you? Where you are sure of your ground, you can say "I realise you disagree with me, but I think this because x y z". If she is rude to you in private, then say something like "I found that very rude, could we maybe start again with this discussion?". If she is then rude again, say "I'll talk to you when you're in a happier frame of mind" and walk away. Such people can be very manipulative and you have to be careful how you deal with it. But if you always act in a calm and polite manner, she won't be able to justify any accusations against you. Do your work well, make sure you get on with everyone else and let that speak for itself.

Helen -03 Dec 2009 | 11:28

sort it

Have an objective - think about it. Distance your own emotion from your mind and ask yourself whether this person was justified in the way they treated you (constructive criticism between team members is essential). If they're not, I don't think you should stand for it. You should look this person in the eye and tell them that they're not a team player and they're being unprofessional and have no right to talk to you like that. Make your feelings clear but don't be a victim. Make it clear to her that you find her behaviour petty and that you look down on her for it. Don't tell her this in front of others becuase it is not their business. I would also refrain from telling superiors about the grievance unless she continues in the same vein.

rob -15 Dec 2009 | 20:00