Career Clinic: I'm socially awkward

Don't worry - your description of yourself reminds me of many law firm partners that I've worked for.

In-house PE lawyer -28 Jul 2008 | 17:08

Become a tax lawyer, they don't seem to need even the most basic social skills.

NQ -28 Jul 2008 | 17:09

Your not the first person to feel like this and you'll certainly not be the last!My advice would be to make sure that you do your research/homework before you go to the interview. From what you've said, it's clear that if you follow the above advice, you normally come across well.Perhaps run through a couple of mock interviews with a couple of friends/family to overcome the problem of starting/ending conversations.Best of luck

Trainee -28 Jul 2008 | 17:10

I had a similar issue when going for training contract interviews. It was more really a sense that everyone else being interviewed knew a lot more than I did. The way I got round it was to do lots of interview preparation - preparing an example answer for questions on most topics - that way, I felt much more confident that I had an answer for the questions that I might be asked and so was far more confident from the outset.

Anonymous -28 Jul 2008 | 17:19

You only have to read the responses to 'Looking for something a bit different' in Career Clinic to know that law firms are not stuffed full of social butterflies with vibrant personalities. One meets plenty of lawyers with no social skills at all. However, you do need to be able to speak enough in interviews that your interviewers get a sense of what kind of person you are. Chances are, you are just as good as any of the other candidates, but that needs to come across. Try and do prep beforehand - look at the website and if there are practice areas or deals on there that interest you, you can ask about those during any awkward pauses. Nobody enjoys the interview process, but try and remember that it is a chance for you to find out about the firm as well so try and throw a few questions if you can - it will temporarily take the pressure off you. Finally, it does become easier with practice, so if there are any opportunities to do mock interviews, go for those. Everybody experiences social shyness or awkwardness to a greater or lesser degree - it's how you choose to deal with it that makes the difference.

City Litigator -28 Jul 2008 | 17:21

I empathise- social confidence comes easy to some and this is something I have dealt with and overcome to reach Partner level. It is important, but so is hard work and results so don't ignore either. Many self help books may give you good ideas. Frankly, you are as good (..bad) as anyone else and as with anything practice makes perfect. In interviews be enthusiatic about the areas of law you want to practice - and presumably feel comfortable talking about. As to the social side, your interests will be on your c.v. and most interviewers will ask you about any unusual ones which hopefully you will be knowledgeable and confident about.The more you are sociable with people the easier it will become - try not to be too self-conscious and psychoanalyse when you were 10 etc. Everyone has had times when they feel a little out of place. One good tip is to take an interest in other people and ask them questions - what they do,like,interests etc- often people like talking about themselves so much that they completely overlook the fact that you have little to say..and you never know they may touch on subjects you are confident about chatting about.

Partner at National Insurance practice -28 Jul 2008 | 17:22

Imagine the interviewer sitting on the loo.

Anonymous -28 Jul 2008 | 17:28

I used to suffer from this problem. A few pointers:- Remember that some allowance for nerves will be made - although as you clearly realise speaking confidently is an important skill for a lawyer, so you need to demonstrate this from the outset;- Know your cv inside out. They will be asking you to expand on this, so if you know it thoroughly you'll naturally speak with more confidence; - If you can balance it with study, get some work experience. Even low level sales jobs at the weekends will improve your ability to speak confidently and clearly, and will give you something to talk about on your c.v.;- Don't try to fill the silences. Better to give succinct, to-the-point answers to questions and then stop talking. Then let the interviewer lead the conversation. If you try to 'fill the silence' you will end up waffling. - Try to view the interview process as a chance to rise to the challenge, and sell yourself rather than a grilling. My experience of interviews, particularly trainee interviews, is that they tend to be quite informal/relaxed and need not be intimidating. Good luck!

MC Associate -28 Jul 2008 | 17:30

Lack of confidence can be a terrible thing when you're future depends on connecting effectively with strangers in a high pressure situation. Good on you for recognising that overcomming this problem could be key to getting what you want out of your career. Some lucky people have this naturally, but lots don't and unfortunately for them developing it takes some work to get to the bottom of what's holding you back. Could it be there is someone amongst your family or friends who is undermining your self-esteem and you need to stand up to them to take it back? This is important and there are experts out there who can get you on the right track. One place I would recommend is the Manchester Institute of Psychotherapy, where as well as one-to-one work there are also courses provided in assertiveness training. Good luck!

Anonymous -28 Jul 2008 | 17:36

Remember that you're there because they liked your CV - that should give you some confidence, as you aren't begging for a job, you're talking to people who are already interested enough in you to want to know more. My second tip is that, when someone talks about things they are interested in or enjoy, they automatically sound more confident. Look back at your CV and remind yourself why the things you've done were interesting/fun, and remind yourself of why you're interested in a law career. Then tell them all that - enthusiasm/interest is always appreciated. You'll do fine !

Anonymous -28 Jul 2008 | 18:32

The problem you have is in your own mind, and therefore you need to do a little bit of training for your mind. You need to train it not to tell you the little stories it is telling you ("they don't like me", "everyone else is better than me" etc). Practice focusing on your breathing. Sit every day for 10-20 minutes just focusing on your breath as it goes in and out. Every time the mind wanders onto worrying about things or planning, stop and bring yourself back to the breath.You will clear your mind of stress and increase your attention span. You will be more relaxed and confident.You will also find the awkward silences are no longer awkward as you notice that in those difficult interview moments an awareness of the breath will kick in and guide you to deal with the situation in the best possible way.Its a form of meditation, and it really works for increasing social skills, reducing stress and building confidence. If you want more tips look up "insight meditation" on Amazon.

Anonymous -28 Jul 2008 | 19:09

The majority of the interview is about image and body language - actually speaking and being listened to is another thing.

ANON -28 Jul 2008 | 20:32

I know that lack of confidence about how your voice comes out at interviews is not the only issue, but I'd highly recommend having a session or two with a voice coach. Even a couple of sessions will make a lot of difference and if you can sort this out, it will be one less thing to worry about! I have done this and it has increased my confidence no end. I recommend John Tucker, who teaches in London - jrtucker@onetel.com. Good luck.

Associate, National Firm -29 Jul 2008 | 09:44

It's really hard - I know, but you need to plan some conversational openers for your interview, which sounds strange, but once you have done it, makes the whole ordeal much easier. For example, mention your journey - was the traffic busy? If it was, say so. Or was the train journey OK? Comment on it. It only needs to be something trivial, but it will break the ice with your interviewer and maybe he or she will then follow on with a comment or question - and away you go. Once you get past the opening pleasantries, you will be onto the law and you know you are OK with that. In a non-interview situation, here's some girly advice for you - especially at those dreadful 'meet the other trainees' coffee-and-biscuit style sessions: no one is thinking about you - they are all worrying about what everyone thinks of them. So don't worry about them at all. You will be fine.

Female in-house lawyer -29 Jul 2008 | 11:15

You need to get some commercial experience, learn something, do something where you contribute. Don't think you have to rush into a legal career straight from school. Take some time to grow into your skin before you seek to become a lawyer. What's the rush? It worked for me.

In-house head of legal -29 Jul 2008 | 12:47

As others have mentioned above, recruitment costs time and money - they're not going to interview you if they aren't already impressed, so that's one thing you can relax and not think about. It sounds like the problem arises out of self-doubt rather than some external factor. By that, I mean the problem doesn't sound like you're socially awkward - if you've only noticed it in an interview, then it's not social awkwardness (unless you've gone through life in silence). Rather it sounds like you get into the interview, pause for a moment, worry about the pause, then worry about the fact you're now aware of your nerves, then go on a downward spiral believing everything you say is in someway sub-par. What you should do is try and arrange for a mock interview where someone can video the interview. That way you can actually percieve for yourself how you are coming accross. If there's a genuine problem then you'll know what it is and can fix it. If there's no problem then you can stop worrying about how you think you come across and relax. I know that when I speak I sometimes in hindsight feel I came across as nervous but experience has shown that others rarely perceive me the way I imagine that they would. Good luck!

Anonymous -29 Jul 2008 | 13:07

Remember you're interviewing them as well, so ask them questions about themselves - why did they join the firm, when did they make partner (unless this info is already on their website; in which case say something like "I see you joined firm x in 2005, why did you leave your previous firm and has firm x met your expectations?"). Yes you can be that cheeky and still get the job - they're not, contrary to popular opinion, looking for boring clones, they want people they can have a beer with and with whom the clients can have a beer. So as someone else said, be ready to talk about your interests. Think about possible questions and how you would answer them, but don't be too overprepared, you want to sound natural rather than rehearsed. But preparation is nevertheless key - look at the website, see if there's anyone you know who can tell you about the firm, see if they've done any interesting transactions or reported on interesting cases you can talk about. But my main advice is be cheeky - ask them lots of questions!

Helen -29 Jul 2008 | 14:50

I can only agree with what most of the previous posters have said. Actually I don't think you have a 'social' problem as such, it's just that you're unfamiliar with the field and the type of people that you're trying to join, so make every effort to get more familiar with them.Although I'm now near the end of my career, I can recall that the two best jobs I got offered on interview in my early days were those cases where I had done some research on the firm or business that I was looking to join. That enables you to ask pertinent questions yourself, rather than just responding, or having to cope with 'awkward silences' if the interviewer doesn't lead as he/she should. Also, interviews often end with "....and are there any questions that you want to ask us?" - so it's best to be prepared for that.You might even ask awkward or cheeky questions about the firm/company or its business (though not too personal!), even to the extent of interrupting (politely!) or 'interviewing' them! When I was a recruiting partner in private practice, I wasn't at all offended by that. It definitely scored with me, and if the applicant had been around a bit in the real world, in any kind of temporary job or contact with the public, that was a plus point too.As others have indicated in this thread, a bit of assertiveness training or public speaking/voice coaching wouldn't go amiss either - it will always be useful, whatever you do. I used to feel very nervous in my early days of lecturing on law to managers in the construction industry, but I soon got used to it, and then my problem became the happy one of deciding when to stop talking, rather than where to start! Go for it!

Group Solicitor (in-house) -29 Jul 2008 | 16:51

I was also painfully shy as a kid. I would suggest you take some time off before you start your job and go travelling solo. You might find out more about yourself than you know and it will do you the world of good!

Associate, US Firm -29 Jul 2008 | 17:16

Don't worry about filling silences. As an interviewer, I sometimes stay quiet to see what else will come out. And sometimes I need time to think of the next question! If you have completed your answer, you can just stay quiet.

partner -29 Jul 2008 | 17:26

Go to a good size bookshop and browse the self-help shelves for books on conversation. There are hundreds of them. You are not alone. Invest in a couple and try putting them to work. As for practical tips: remember that if a conversation fails it is not just down to you. You can, however, help things along by taking a few minutes to plan a couple of basic openers when you are going into a social situation that makes you nervous. Use your openers to feel around what sort of thing might be of interest to the other person and then head for the sound of the gunfire (an opener about the weather might lead you to gardening, holidays or sport, for example). It's true that people like to be listened to but most people don't open up at the drop of a hat, so be prepared to make some of the running. Skim the paper for an interesting story that might prompt easy low-brow discussion. Don't be afraid to borrow other people's openers, or of being boring - most conversational gambits are pretty mundane.

Ex-MC Lawyer -29 Jul 2008 | 17:55

The majority of the high-performing partners I have met are socially inept to put it graciously. If you can get in the font door, you may ultimately find yourself in good company.

Anonymous -30 Jul 2008 | 10:44

The good news is this is something that you can get help with: there are numerous companies offering interview practice - try Chiumento. I have used a great counsellor for general social confidence issues called Felix Economakis in London. Did the trick for me with a couple of sessions.

Anonymous -30 Jul 2008 | 17:09

You seem to be confusing different problems - an interview is not a social situation; it is a highly unrealistic process. The skills you describe should stand you in reasonably good stead for interview; you might have more difficulty at, say, a client drinks do (for example, it is a bit puzzling why as an interview candidate you should be expected to fill silences.) I think you may need to reanalyse the problem.

JR, barrister -30 Jul 2008 | 17:10

Where is Investment Banker these days? I suspect he may have had a field day with this one...

Regional NQ -30 Jul 2008 | 17:57

Have a couple of drams before the interview!

Anonymous -31 Jul 2008 | 17:55

My husband got made redundant in 2002 and underwent coaching (employer funded it) which included interviews. The best way to overcome nervousness about interviews (which is normal) is to prepare and to take charge of some of it yourself - you have the right to ask questions and you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you.When my husband got a job applying that advice he then gave it to me and I got my present job using those tactics. The other posters are right about the social skills of many solicitors. The law tends to attract cerebral types who spent lots of time in the swot rooms at university rather than the bars. Unless you go to the High Street (where social skills are more important) relative lack of them does not really matter too much if it's your brains they are after.Good luck ! And relax !

High Street Solicitor -01 Aug 2008 | 14:57

Hey, why worry about little things like communication skills and relationship building; this is the legal profession and as long as you can pass exams, it doesn't matter if you can actually talk to people, empathise or win people over!

Justin Champion -01 Aug 2008 | 17:42

Prepare, prepare, prepare. Prepare the answers to 10 questions you think you might be asked. Even if the questions you are asked are different, you can then ramble on and turn the question into something you have prepared for! And also prepare a number of questions about the role/firm so you can fill the silences.

Cynical Cynthia -04 Aug 2008 | 17:26

Be wary of the above advice, you don't want to over-prepare. You want to answer the questions they ask, not hear a question on a similar topic to one you've prepared and then recite an answer to the question you thought would come up. If you come across like you're over-prepared, they are highly likely to throw something in designed to destabilise you to see how you respond. Part of what they are looking for is how you think on your feet. Good luck

Anonymous -05 Aug 2008 | 12:41

Dont worry, the more experience you get the more you will realise that most people are of a similar level - some are just much more vocal about how great they are than others! Inevitably those people have exactly the same (or worse) flaws than you, they just choose to concentrate on the positive aspects of their personality and abilities rather than the negative and so are more confident. It is mind-over-matter and positive thinking.

Anonymous -05 Aug 2008 | 17:16

Most of the above, but 'hello' and 'goodbye' will work in any situation with the occasional offer of a handshake and a good smile.

Optimist -05 Aug 2008 | 17:37

May I suggest that you try to remember the positive things and remember that you are not facing a dragon that you have to slay. Breathe, relax and don't worry. It is not the end of the world. Keep things in perspective. Being natural and relaxed will allow your self-confidence and brilliance to show.

Shan Veillard-Thomas, Professional Coaching International Ltd -06 Aug 2008 | 21:28

You'll do fine in law! I sat with a partner for four months who was so socially awkward his total office conversation involved "Good morning", "Goodbye" and at 3pm on a Friday afternoon "are you doing anything exciting this weekend?" He used to dictate emails to his secretary to send to me rather than have a conversation!

London Trainee -07 Aug 2008 | 11:38

Look up interviews on the manager tools podcast (google it, I don't remember the web address). They offer great advice on how to conduct yourself and how to deal with certain questions during interviews.

Advocate -27 Sep 2008 | 01:27

I would recommend the writer to check out Toastmasters which is an organisation that has groups that meet all over the country (there are many in Londno). It is dedicated towards helping somebody learn the art of public speaking and is a very good forum in which to develop your skills, as positive feed back and tips are given by other more experienced speakers. Let's face it, the ability to speak eloquently and confidently in large meetings is something a client expects from their solicitor.I know very good solicitors who have been side lined by other solicitors who, whilst not being as good technically, have as one would say 'more front than Sainsburys'. The organisation is non-profit making and is extremely welcoming. No on-going commitment is required. There is even a breakfast club in the City and a few in the West End in the evenings.

in-house lawyer -06 Oct 2008 | 16:03